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MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Free genealogy - Family tree search

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Tiffany became the first overlord of the world.
... afterward, Tiffany walked across the desert for no reason.
'How will you be remembered in history books?' at QuizGalaxy.com




What were you in your past life?
You were ... a prostitute.
'What were you in your past life?' at QuizGalaxy.com




wow...lol!
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 well the party was grand. not too many people but plenty. enough to eat all the food and drink almost all the alcohol. but i feel best now i think, just b/c i don't some great thing to prepare for in such a little amount of time, or do i? have apointments of course and i have to reschedule the interview for disabilty, since she scheduled it on the 31st, and i want to be busy then, lol or at least catch a good tv night. even skipped going to group and will have to go to a night group on tues. but it was worth it just to get some rest. will go into elaboration later, and hopefully be able to post some party pics, considering i've got to get them from my mom and aunt b/c i didn't take any, till then, chow.
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    October has been a pretty big an busy month for me. I think its really always been my favorite month even since I was a child. You never know what to expect from the weather, the fair comes, and of course All Hallow's Eve, hehe. But as for this month so far I've been getting a lot of stuff done that i was putting off. Got my ID and social security cards replaced and taken care of. Been shopping a lot (by myself, which makes me pretty proud) and getting tons of ideas and decorations for the Halloween party that my mother and io just decided out of the blue that we wanted to throw. She's inviting many friends that she knows of diff ages (but mainly older peeps, w/ the whole mid-life crisis thing going on i think, lol) Erica, my lil sis will invite some of her lil friends, and i'm going to try and invite everyone chris and i know. i really hope a lot of people show up, everyones hopefully coming in costume, and we'll have a contest for the best one. Still haven't decided yet, but i plan on a hayride, and would like some time to find around the big campfire my dad's lighting for my grandmother to tell some ghost stories  (i know sounds a lil childish and corny, but i want to include her in it and i think she'd like that). We're going to have food and refreshments (as in hunch punch and jello shots and the sort, heh) and plenty of lights and sound to boogie down to, lol.

Got an appt. with my new therapist, new psychologist, and new case manager coming up and i have an appt with my families doc that i used to go to way back when i had insurance, lol. Also went to the social security office ad arranged an appt. for my process of applying for disability thats my cm's been working on with me and i gotta get all the materials, signed letters, and med. records from the diff hospitals ive been in.  also gotta do that yearly health dept. appt. which i dread (they say its supposed to be every 6 mos. but i see no diff in waiting a lil more, esp. since i always get a year supply of those wonderful 'no baby makin pills lol')

ok hows that for an update, heh

will elaborate more on the party soon, just want all my friends, whether ive gotten in touch with u or not, hell whether we've even talked in a while to try to come, its gonna be awesome.

happy pre-halloween!

Current Mood: chipper chipper

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yeah so i just found today another community that i had compltetly forgot about making...i tend to have black-out periods when i get wasted, which used to be a lot ya know, so uuuuuhhhhh...yeah, anywho. 

tuscphotography           i knew i had kept a few photos at a bunch of places, too but its hard remembering exact places where i left things lying around on the inernet floor, lying under a box of porn, or sticking out of a link on an FTP account. THats what i'm thinking when you looking for something on the net or you think 'whatever happened to geocities?' hehe


but yeah in that vastness of the internet lies a few sites of my blog/photography accounts lying around, sometimes being updated from day one that i had stoppped going to them, or some that perhaps my account was cut off cause of how long it had been since  loged in last, they're still there just gotta find 'm, problem is i'm getting old. lol

i do remember this comm. to be not so bad if i think on it, at least better than  lj user = http://community.livejournal.com/drunkramblings/
i think ill try to update it sometime soon.

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: 80s hair band

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On Aztec highs, and Antebellum Streets,

Across the way of a million different road signs,

ounces, and ounces, and ounces of dope, alcohol, food, and shit all become one.

Across the way of millions of rooftops all staring at the same Diamond sky-

Across the river banks of mud, In anywhere U.S.A. along highways with no beginning or end,

that span from desert to swamp, to wood, to mount, and sea, and back again.

For poets and writers and directors and painters and artists and whores and junkies and

scared little children and drunks and people and people and people who didn't even know

that they were Howling at night into the perfect Void.

For godly parents who tucked their children into warm beds with power plant blankets and

nuclear humming air-conditioners in the middle of the night.

For soft candlelight glow in Northeastern clapboard cabins-

For sea-foam and stinking fish on the muddy banks of the Wishka.

For a government education that is good only for government, by government, and with government-

For millions of snowy white pills in clear plastic bottles with child resistant lids

containing sugars, salts, and weeping willow tears,

For cans of oil and plastic tomatoes, and salt and disease and death.

For larders full of fake lard.

For God on Saturdays and the Devil on Sundays.

For sweet summer air and earthy loam and tear and death and death and shiney coffins and pre-fab

headstones with nylon flowers-

For bleached white paper and squid ink,

For birth and death and birth and oh sweet death.

And into the void and back again-

Across a million different mediums of flesh and bone and sinew and mind.

For music only heard by the deafest of ears, and holy dogs with mangy beards and rotten teeth

who only know how to smile.

For friends of the World across a blue universe-

For the World, for the World,

for Heaven, for Hell, for Vihalla, for Nirvana, for Kingdom Come,

For everything I think I thought I knew,

but didn't and don't and won't and can't and, and I just don't know.

For everything too alive to be alive, and too dead to be dead

For every grateful dead,

For everything and all,

For the great wheel of life and circle in the sky,

Everything is everything.
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So after my last update I wanna get back on track with the things I left out until then to make me feel the way I did. First of I went to my old family doctor that hasn't seen me since practically before puberty, although we have bumped into each other in passing when i've have to take my lil sis or grandma or whoever there for an appt. but i mean he hasn't 'examined' me. Mainly b/c I have no ins. and its pretty pricey to just go for a visit to a doc that sometimes isn't even productive until you come back for multiple visits, so thankfully my mom told then that i had no income or is. ad all so he gave me as many samples as he could and only wrote the cheapest prescriptions. I had this weird crackling noise in my ear and my sinuses were acting a lil funny so he checked that out and gave me plenty of samples for allegra d, and while looking through our med. cabinet at home, turns out i saved almost a whole bottle of allegra from the last time chris got sick so if i'm still needing more by the time those run out its no biggie.

So I told him about my abdominal pains and the nausea and he gives me the diagnosis of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome for those or you that haven't seen the commercials that have appeared all over the tv for some reason). Turns out that zelnorm med. that people were getting for it was taken off the market or something apparently major side effects or that sort of thing, so he gave me a bag full of samples for nexium ( cute lil purple pill with two yellow stripes on it, heh) and a script for lactulose and dicyclomine, one a pill one a liquid that tastes and looks like its just a bottle of cairo syrup. Then I tell him about my kolonopin needing refilled ( got it sometime last year when i was living with chris and had to go see their family doctor b/c of such a bad ankle sprain and anxiety. Of course i told my doc first thing, which ur pretty much required to do, that i'm going to a methadone clinic and my dosage.
What happens?
For that very reason he won't write me a prescription for it b/c of its 'addictive properties' (something ive heard a thousand times from indian rivers) and b/c in his words 'since ur on that high a dosage of methadone shouldn't be having any problem with anxiety'....this guy knew nothing at all about the clinic. He even thought that the dr at the clinic was the one giving me my depression meds! Needless to say I wasn't happy.

The next day turned out better, I called chris's family physician, the one that originally gave me the kolonopin, and asked for a refill, they called in ito the pharmacy and that was that. Took Dixie to the vet, they determined she had a yeast infection in her ear, gave her antibiotics, and a tube of stuff to put in her ears twice a day and all together it cost like 74 dollars. I actually think pet insurance would be more expensive than human ins.

So there we are up to date with the depressing post, that was meat to shed some enlightenment on myself and anyone who knows me, but it still just sounded like i'm a narcissist. But that's just thing most everyone gets defensive in arguments, right?

I just miss the way things used to be with our relationship, but isn't it true that when you first meet someone and fall in love with them you only want to show them your best sides, you even find yourself not even acting like yourself, so as the relationship progresses, you start finding the truth out about each other, and i'm afraid the other can't handle it..

by the way im lying here now on the couch trying not to more b/c the floor of the den is so messy i just tripped and fell down, one ankle is a lil swollen (im always having ankle problems) and my knee caps hurt like hell b.c i fell onto the ottoman catching myself only on the bottom hard part with my knees...oww

Current Location: couch
Current Mood: sore sore
Current Music: tenacious D

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Even though it seemed to me that the week was starting out nice, my stress is piling in a heap ready to burn.

Am I a completely spoiled, addicted, bitch who will only spend the rest of her life alone and feeling sorry for her self?

Am I destined to become a not-so-great housewife finding myself stuffing towels under the doors of my children's rooms, not unlike Plath, selfishly breathing in my suicide as I wait for my last dawn?

I don't know. I don't even know if this desire to end all the wrong things the same way I've always handled them will ever go away. There are things that are supposed to go away with maturity am I right? MY problem is, I really don't know which of these THINGS are supposed to go away, or ever will. I know in my heart and my mind that I have grown for the better over the years, thinking more logically, putting myself behind everyone else, and esp. controlling my emotions with a little help from each new little pill they give me. But there are things that I'm really not sure will ever go away with MATURITY , or if that really has anything to do with it, and then again either way, they are part of me know, so do I really WANT them to go away?


To this day the only people that really know the other side of me is still my family. My parents went through the worst parts, repairing everything I would break, making me appologize to a classmate and their mother sometimes for hurting them almost out of nowhere, taking me to the hospital when I would hurt myself, or even making me stay at home for other children's birthday parties b/c I would get so jealous and it would eventually turn into a TEMPER TANTRUM wanting the best piece of the cake, their presents, and all of the attention from their big day.

Yet after the years things almost flip-flopped, except for the anger. I've found myself in the later and teenage years being selfless, not affected by any petty jealousy, and a wallflower hoping to be ignored, and mostly I was.

But the anger.

If I tell someone when we first meet or before they've ever seen me turn jekl and hyde on them, they don't really seem to believe it. I warn them, but apparently they don't believe me until they see it for themselves. And they're usually gone not long after that. But even when I have lost my temper in these past years its only been a fraction of the emotion and destruction that i have done or want to do. I hold back a LOT.

But when it comes to boyfriends its a lil diff b/c you are around them more arguments with them mean more and its hardest b/c they arent just friends or lovers, they are family too. Yet unlike the family that have seen me at my worst, they see as much as 25% at the most of my anger and "temper tantrums".

I just dont think ican have a long real marriage or relationship without being myself, and if i am myself, although ive always warned them, they get tired of it. tired of me. want to leave. back alone again.

So heres the question, is suicide, anger, destruction, emotional and nervous breakdowns, and arguing to try to settle things out, is it all immature?

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So I'm heading off now to the vet with Dixie (my lil half teacup half toy party poodle, which for those that don't know, means spotted)she's probably the closest animal to my heart, besides Leia of course, but Dixie is older and has been with me through more. Thats why whenever I moved out and my parent's (mainly my mother, just to be...well to be her)say I can't take her with me, b/c she's the 'family' dog. Understandable coming from my dad because I can see how much he cares for her and he spends time with her playing, but he's constantly busy, and as for my sister, well I sometimes think she could care less if the dog were alive or dead. Its all really about my mother, who thinks she owns the dog, even brought up her registration papers and such.

This was a while back, one of the times Chris and I were being kicked out of the house and then eventually I had convinced her that if I can't take Dixie with me, I need a little inside dog of my own for me and Chris to raise as our 'family' dog. Surprisingly enough, she accepted it and said that I could bring a dog of my own into the house but it must be kept in my room till potty trained, thats how we got Leia. And now with Leia here and Dixie right next door I'm happy except for one thing.

My mother dosen't take care of Dixie right. The poor lil poodle is diabetic, and has seizures So daily she has to take phenobarbital and my tho i realize that vets are expensive, she was willing to take her off her meds just so she could avoid spending the money to have a peak and trough test on her to see how the phenobarb has settled in her system. other things happen also, but one thing that is continuous is her grooming. the vet has to groom her b/c shes so bitchy (heh, takes after me a lot) that she has to be sedated, which of course costs.

Well my latest complaint is that she had some problems with he ear as poodles will sometimes get and what did my parents do, they put the human's ear drops in her ears! Now I'm taking her to the vet b/c she won't let any of us touch her ear (and with good reason if they had messed with mine and then it wound up doing worse, i wouldnt want them to either, lol) and its obviously infected. Then my mom says if theyre going to have to sedate her to do it dont let them it costs too much... how the hell else does she expect them to do it then?!

Anywho I shall return will an update on my dr.s appt yesterday and of my pharmacy adventure.

peace for now

Current Location: home
Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: that weird girlfriend song

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